Tag Archives: depression

Can we Talk?

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I’m not entirely sure anyone is out there listing or reading but In some way righting about things… About this journey I am on, About the challenges I face both physical and mental.. just helps. What I want to talk about today sorta ties in with what I posted about in my last post about needing therapy so if you haven’t saw that one you can find it HERE.

I want to note I haven’t spoke to anyone yet…Today was one of those days, the kind that make you question everything about your existence, the kind that make you wonder how you manage to pull through every other day, the kind where you cant seam to let things in your past just be past. but let me go back because this crappy day was all because of a dream. I realize how ridiculous that sounds but let let me explain. My dreams are so vivid, so detailed, so full of emotion and feel so real that its as if my subconscious is living a life in my dreams. I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t know another way to describe it.

For the last few years and Rather Increasingly the last few weeks I keep having these dreams of my ex and in each one they play out when he left me and that life we shared fell apart. They bring back all the feelings and all the memories I just want to forget. Although each dream has a different setting or actions the story is always the same. My mind tortures me some times several nights in a row. and sometimes My dream Puts my Current Fiancé in the place of my ex and those are the worst.

When I wake from these dreams Its feels as if I just went Through that pain from that time in my life and then I cant shake the feelings of depression and and emotionally unwell for the rest of the day or sometimes even longer. I don’t know if therapy would help with this or if its just something Ill be forced to live with but I know its something that I cant talk to anyone about and it is torture. I don’t know where thee dreams are coming from and I don’t want this hurt anymore.

Until Next Time

The Curvy Princess

I need Therapy…

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I need Therapy… I thought that would be harder to admit but here I am laying it all out. It started a few days ago… it being the realization the I need therapy not that Caused the needing of it. In all honesty I should Have gotten therapy when my 10 year marriage suddenly ended and I didn’t and that’s a big root of the problem.

A few days ago I looked through my wedding pictures on Facebook I don’t know why… because I haven’t thought about that wedding in a long time. The pictures are in a locked album only I can see and all other photos and memories of my ex have been deleted. Now Before I go any farther into this I just want to say I am 100% happy I love my Boyfriend and my Daughter and Our life. I would not change what I have for anything. That Being said I have moments where I randomly think about my ex and our life we had, the memories pop up uninvited and un wanted and I feel like every place I go I am looking around to see if my ex might be around, and as much as this probably makes me sound like a stalker I sometimes Look at his Facebook. I just want to forget him, I want to forget that relationship and I want to forget every memory with him. It’s coming up on 3 years since the relationship ended I just want it to be like it never existed.

Although that is the biggest reason its not the only one. Second is because I have been feeling like I am alone as far as friends. I have been feeling so Alienated and as if no one actually wants to be around me or be friends with me… Even my two best friends. Now I understand that people have their own life’s to live and that we all get busy. But when I am constantly reaching out and trying to see my friends and get nothing but blown off time after time it makes me think that I’m just not worth their time and its something I am struggling with so much. A thought even crossed my mind that my best friend doesn’t want to spend any time with me because she is upset that My health journey is going so well like she cant be friends with me because I make her feel bad about her own body and her goals.

The last reason… Well not last but last I’m going to talk about is how i see my self. I lave lots of self love but when I look at myself I cant see how far all of my hard work has taken me like everyone else see is. I have lost 40 pounds and dropped from a size 26 to a size 20. The evidence is in how my close fit but yet I cant see it and I often feel like I am not doing enough I often just feel so fat and sure I have days where my confidence is to the roof and I know I have so far to go yet its just hard.

So I’m going to get some Therapy because Mental health is another part of the journey.

Until next time,

The curvy princess

Self care

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Self care isn’t far off from self love. Both are Important and Both I struggle with. I know self care is important because If You give and give and never put back into yourself you end up empty and run down. But knowing about how important self care is and actually Doing it are so different. A week or so I talked about learning to love myself and I’m still trying to do a lot of the things I talked about but Honestly Its so Hard sometimes… Most of the time really. Its particularly hard to practice self care and self love when you don’t really know who you are.

I struggle with who I am often, I wish I was someone different almost every day and to be clear it has nothing to do with my family I would not change that for the world but I sit and I thing of the person I want to be and I get so down on myself because I’m not that person. I know there are people who are going say just be who you want be, but Its Like its impossible for me and a lot of times I truly hate who I am. I’m an awkward sort of person, I’m to loud, I’m weird. I’m not beautiful or skinny, I’m not wild and Adventurous, I’m not smart, or creative, ambitious, or driven, social, or fun. Who am I? I don’t really know.

When you feel like I do about myself You can practice all the self care and self love but Its Like Drawing a picture with a white crayon You know you did it but its not actually changing the big picture. At this point I almost feel as though I should seek some Counseling but At the same time I think this is something I have to work through on my own and it may be a difficult journey But I have to keep pushing.

Until next time,

The Curvy Dreamer

Happyness?

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Do you ever feel like you cant be happy? I feel like the worst possible person for having this thought. Its not like I am unhappy, I love my life but I also find happiness hard to grasp. Yes I know I’m not making since. let me try to explain. I’m a mom of a toddler. I love to be a mother. I love to be a wife. Here’s the the thing when I was 18 I got married and stayed married for 9 years. Big deal young people get married all the time right? I never had children with my first husband. The problem is my ex was very controlling and I basically missed out on 9 years of my youth and freedom. Les then a year after my First marriage I Was engaged to the love of my life and became a stay at home mother. To be perfectly clear I love to be a mom and I love my child more than anything. But I feel so trapped. My boyfriend is a social butterfly he has so many friends. I have 2. He is always invited to party’s and to do this and that and I’m the one home with our child. Now I realize this makes my Boyfriend sound like of of them guys who isn’t around and that’s not the case at all. He is a fantastic Father and an amazing man. He works hard every day and does everything for us. The thing is he was a single man for 30 years so he takes his chances to go out. Being a mom, a stay at home mom who doesn’t drive at that (nither of us drive tho) I just don’t get the chance.

I have been on this mission to find my happy but When I think about doing things to make me happy I realize that I cant do those things because I have a child to take care of… And Its not just that. Not having any friends takes its tole also. I went as far as to look up a 30 day mental health challenges. But when I saw things like spend time with friends I just felt lost already. It makes me feel like its more of a I don’t have friends thing than an I’m always tied down with my child thing. (again love being a mom) I have been learning to drive so hopefully that will help. If my anxiety doesn’t get in the way. I’m going to try my best to get my mental health on track and start with a 30 day mental health challenge.

Sometimes its a mental thing.

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Have you ever wondered why you try? Why you care? or What’s the point? Well, that’s exactly where I’m at. I’ve been struggling to make a post on this blog for over a month now. Even though I am doing things to better my life And I wanna tell you all about them. If there’s anybody even there that is. I’m going to try my best to get back to This, even if it’s just once every 2 weeks. With the warmer season coming, getting out and getting into the sun might be better for my mental health. Plus in just a couple weeks, I’ll be putting my garden in And we know how well that went last year. Talk to you guys about my new keto journey And all the big plans I have this year. Also, it’s nice to reflect back on the years past. So stay tuned and if anybody is actually there, drop me a comment And I’ll talk to you next time.